Merry Christmas Eve!

-Today is a hard day for me. It is 11 years that my Dad past away. I cried last night not wanting to go to sleep because every time I open my eyes on this morning, I still see my grandmother standing over me telling me,"He's gone." It's a hard morning.

It haunted me for years. I was an agonizing memory. Christmas was not happy or merry for me.

Then six year ago that all changed. It was in February 2002 I fell on my knees and Believed. The tears fell and the spirit flooded in, to forever change my heart.

I am so grateful. Forever changed and forever His.

So now, I still have the vision and the memory but it's only for a moment. Now, I hear my kids laughing. I see their smiles. I tell them why we have Christmas. A baby changes everything. http://www.faithhillchristmas.com/

For so long the man I focused on in my life was my Dad. You see God gave me a gift. He changed my focus. I now focus on my Lord. I fail Him everyday. I love Him everyday. I desperately need Him everyday.

I chose to believe my life could be more. I chose to believe in what I could see, but knew I was missing something.

Its well said here http://thebigmamablog.com/index.php/2008/12/24/the-eve-of-christmas/

Oh Holy Night....

DUH!

EVEN THOUGH NOT ONE OF YOU HELPED ME!!!! and I have been so irritated that I could figure out where all my fancy linky things and colors were, I found them.
I didn't even see there was another tab for compose and get out of Html.
I am so stupid at anything big or small regarding technology!
And yes, I know there are a couple of you laughing at me right now...(humpf)and (niff)
so there...

Moments

Amazing BLOG

I love remembering the moments of worship all around us.

huh?

wassup?

My linky things not working.,I can't find the pretty font color change thingy, and the copy, paste thingy is not working now????

A little help here?

Do i need to reset something?

Better Day

 
 
 
 
So, we had a much better day yesterday. Caden was home with a stomach ache. I picked Logan up early after doing some shopping at the school. That was cute. They got to go around and shop for their family and friends. I remember buying my mom the most ugly "ruby" ring. I didn't get anything that fancy. The kids were on a budget. There is no telling what awesome things I did get though.

Then we came home and worked on Logan's Indian project. I had so much fun with her. Ususally we go around and around. She is so deteremined to make it her way. And doesn't want suggestions. Yesterday she was great and much more open. So instead of her idea of glueing in plastic Indians from lincoln logs. We made this. SHe did a great job and it turned out so good. I helped with some. Mostly the Indians face. I thought he turned out great. She had such great ideas and worked so hard. It was really fun. She even let her bro help! That's a miracle in itself..
I'll let you know her grade when she gets it.

Oh my!

Let me give all of you a big apology for my post yesterday. That was the worst grammar I have read in along time! TER-RI-BLE!
Two things happened: 1. I was late for lunch with a friend and typed that out real fast and that "linky thingy", that I just figured out how to do last week, was giving me a hard time. I cant seem to find my pretty color letters either...
2. I always have, and probably always will, not been the best at grammar. (It drives Trey crazy!) But, I love to write! Yesterday I felt I needed to purge all of those emotions so I went to town. I was typing faster than my brain could keep up with. Then I was rushed out the door for lunch.
I can not promise it will get better. Well, a little better. But, I will work on it. It is such a metaphor for my life though.
I just look at the big picture and not the details. I get things done but forgot all the in-betweens. (this too drives Trey crazy!) I am sooo not a detail person. I have to work on that!

But, I am glad the post content and meaning helped some of you through you day and encouraged you in some way. That was the point!

Conviction

So the past week I have been so convicted about many things in my life. Some I will share, some I will not. Some are just very personal that I have been dealing with and finally surrendering too. Things I have never had to deal with in my life and was really struggling with. It was new territory to find discipline in. A strange place of selfish seduction and satisfaction, all the while knowing I was in rebellion and out of the guidelines of the rule book God wants for my life. The day I set some of it aside was very freeing. The weights were lifted and peace settled in, in that area. I hate my own selfishness. I wish desperately once I get rid of some aspects of it, that all of it would go away. But, it doesn't. It shows up in some other way that I have to learn to let go of and let God master me once again.
In other areas, I was very convicted yesterday about falling into old ways and old habits. In the sense of my kids, our lifestyle, and our daily routine. I was finding myself letting them watch WAY too much TV again, fending for themselves for attention, being bored, not engaged, not outside, etc...
Yesterday, He spoke into my heart so loud. HE brought us here to dramatically change our family. Not to be the same. He brought us to a whole new place, new faces, new experiences to change me, to change us. To grow us into new creations, to bring Him new glories, to bring us new challenges.
I knew and still know that is why He brought us here. I do not know what all the details look like. I do not know how it will all play out or the whens or whys in between. But, I was totally in the way and messing it all up. I have ignoring Him since being here. Licking my wounds so to speak. Not wanting to pay attention to His heart and words that I so desperately need every minute of everyday.
I just felt like I finally decided to listen and soak it all up yesterday. It was like being out in the rain on a warm summer day. My dry and thirsty heart soaking up all HE had to offer me. Then the icing on the cake was this and then this morning thisthis
Although, I hate how I have acted and felt, the refreshing joy and peace that comes after the rain is amazing. I hope I always stay amazed at the "rain" He brings.

Murphy

Who is Murphy and why does he seems to follow me??

SO, Christmas is days away and my kids have their really long lists made. When what do I hear? Christmas bells, reindeer paws, a jolly "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
Um no, that would be grinding on my car everytime I stop. So that would be a $300 brake job! I also have to get my state inspection, oil change, and vehicle registration.
Coal anyone!


Good thing I know how to bake and cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. And I will still hear the angels singing that Holy Night!

Bad Mama!

This is what happens when you are too busy reading this and trying to win this
Apparently, with in seconds, my little one can find the stamper that Kannan left in her pocket and I washed and dried with a huge load of laundry. Yes, the one I looked for but had no luck and she decided to eat as a snack..
Wonder if this counts for another entry???
Guess, I better get back to the work of being a good Mama and feed my kids a snack!

Independence

Independent! That is the definition of Kannan. Always has been, always will be....
So, it was no surprised when she finally decided she wanted to start picking out her own clothes.
This was the "outfit du jour" today.

I think she looks like an old "Nana" headed for her Florida retirement home, but what do I know! (wink)

Instruction Manual on ME!

You Are a Marilyn!






You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.




How to Get Along with Me
* Be direct and clear
* Listen to me carefully
* Don't judge me for my anxiety
* Work things through with me
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us
* Laugh and make jokes with me
* Gently push me toward new experiences
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.


What I Like About Being a Marilyn
* being committed and faithful to family and friends
* being responsible and hardworking
* being compassionate toward others
* having intellect and wit
* being a nonconformist
* confronting danger bravely
* being direct and assertive


What's Hard About Being a Marilyn
* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations


Marilyns as Children Often
* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent


Marilyns as Parents
* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
* worry more than most that their children will get hurt
* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

I have to admit that I copied this from another blog. I liked it so much!

Awesome!

OK Ladies.
See right side bar....Rebel For A Cause button...
Here's a great contest. Although I am desperate to win. It's a raffle with all proceeds going to a great foundation,and this one, and this one!!! Not one, but three places to make difference!


Once again, it is from probably my "most favorite" blog
It is a HUGE contest with an even bigger reward than the prize you get. It's perfect for this time of year of "gimme" "gimme". You get AND you get to give back! Love IT!

I really, really hope to win. Trey and I have been shopping cameras for me. I really want to get going with my own little business. I adore photography. After all, I do have the best subjects to view and study-MY KIDS! :) What and enormous blessing it would be to win! Even if not, I will get to help someone who needs it...

great blog!

This is a great blog I have been reading.
I really admire her faith and walk.
Read the background story about Stellan and you will understand.
She is having some "Fryday" contest too....it will be fun..and worth you time

WooHoo!

So, I hit my breaking point yesterday. I was just exhausted and in tears. I was in desperate need of a break. Trey came home and made sure the kids stayed far away for awhile. He was great. It was great to lock myself in my room and talk to no one. No words, no helping, nothing.

I had been feeling really lonely and missing having friends around. I was having a bit of a pity party for one.

Then tonight I got invited to go hear a band play out on the lake. A lady from church called to tell me that they were playing. I think it may be some one's husband maybe, don't quote me on that though...

Anyway, the kicker is.....her daughter offered to babysit for F-R-E-E!!!
Hallelujah...Hallelujah...
I am soooooooooo excited just to have a break, get dressed up, be with my husband alone, be a girl, relax, get out of the house, etc, etc,,,,,

And, the Cameron's will be here tomorrow night too!!!

Man, I get a break, an invite, and my friend!
WooHoo!!!

Deal

I just starting reading this blog...
Great deal today...

http://bargainshopperlady.com/

Location.Location.Location.

That's what it's all about right?
Before we moved, when I would tell people where we were moving, I heard all kinds of comments. The ones that stuck with me were the ones from people that had lived in this area. I remembered them and sort of filed them away.
The comments were all similar. "Oh, you're gonna love it there. It's so real there." "It's so much slower there." "I wish we could go back. There's just not as much pressure." And many more like that.

My first clue was when I went to a club Trey helped grand open and the spa manager and I were talking. He said to meet with this specific stylist. She could give me that "Dallas hair." I kind of laughed. He said that Dallas has a higher standard.

So, we are here and just spending time over the weekend unpacking. We are in an older established neighborhood. It is tree lined and gorgeous. Our house was built in 1972 I think. It needs some updating, but it is in great shape and we love it. The neighbors are great. Many have lived here all their lives. I noticed when we were visiting here and more the days after the move, the shops and buildings are older. Everything is not brand new and shiny. At first I could sort of feel myself feeling kind of bratty and not really liking it. Now I realize it was just that I was so used to back home everything is neat, polished and brand spanking new.

But, the first day of school is when all the comments I had heard really showed their meaning. The kids made sure to wear their best, since it was the first day.
I went to eat lunch with the kids and made sure I looked all cute. Ya know, a girl's gotta make a good first impression! I get there and sit down. I see other moms around and the teacher on lunch duty. I quickly noticed, I was somewhat overdressed. I wasn't wearing anything crazy like a suit. Just cute top, jeans, and cork wedge heels. But, the other people were major casually dressed. I even saw Teva's and scrunchis ( agasp!) old mom jeans...and just plain old tshirts. I did not see even one Prada handbag!
Those were just a few that were out of date. But really most were not as "dolled up" as I am used to seeing.
Even the kids were dressed different. It was typical Target/Wal-mart clothes. I didn't see any other the girls decked out in Limited Too stuff. Just average. Across the board average.

I have also noticed the pick-up line. I get there early and the kids and I walk most days. So, that gives me some people watching time too. I see the cars file in and line up. Honda accents, Pilots, Jeeps, Kias, older Suburbans ....average. There are some Escalades, Lexus, and Benz sprinkled in, but not like back home. The average is the majority not the minority. It's not a line of luxury vehicles in the pick up line. It's just more balanced.

Noone has even asked what neighborhood I live in!

It was for sure a culture shock. It was also humbling for me.
Living in North Dallas, I definitely felt the pressure so many days, most of them really, to fit in, to live up, to measure up. It always felt like we never had enough. Almost as if we were failing because we weren't in the same "bracket" as some people. It was a lot of pressure.
I felt like I had to be dressed just right to go to school and eat lunch with the kids. I felt like I was a gimme that we should eat a certain restaraunts and frustrated that we couldn't. It was a frustrated lack of not having...

Being here has really shown my a lot about myself and my focus. I noticed it when we were there, but it was still so close that I couldn't see it all. I can see now how focused I was on the wrong things. I was frustated I didn't have a new Suburban( I still want one), that I have a minivan. I was frustrated that I didn't have the "in"jeans, only regular store ones. I was frustrated that we didn't have new house on a big lot instead of a small home in a decent neighborhood. I do not think there is a problem with having nice things or wanting more for yourself. The problem was I was letting all that detemine who I was. I was caught up in the status of it all.
I was frustrated about so many of the wrong things, instead of what was true and real.
I was caught up in it. I had let in damage myself self-esteem and my view of who I was as a person. Talk about idols! I feel like we let so much of our day to day life slip by trying to grab all the wrong things around us. I feel like I should have been more content. More appreciative of the blessings we did have. I should not have compared. It is hard not too.

I have heard that too from some of the residents here that used to live in Dallas, that they compared there and felt driven to get more and feel calmer here. ( I think the MILLIONS of trees have something to do with it too) :)

I said to someone the other day how different it was here. And they said,"No, It's just not North Dallas. I always heard on the news about the greatest cities and "pressure" cities, Dallas was always one of them. I see it now. I didn't really get it then. NOt to the extent I do now.
It seems like nothing was ever enough there.

It's nice just to be me. I feel happy here. Calm. Peaceful. Content.

Logan hasn't even had a fit and said," I don't have anything to wear." since we have been here. That used to be an every other day event. I am glad that they are more relaxed too.

I was telling my mom about it and she said," That's better for you." I don't really feel like its better, just different. I don't think one is better than the other, just different.

Trey's Aunt said she noticed the same thing when they moved from Plano to Raleigh. And my friend Angela said the same thing when they moved to Iowa.

It is interesting to me that just based on location how things can be so different.

I knew that God moved us here to take us on a journey and to change me, to grow me and to teach me. This is just one lesson along the way.

What?

OK...
I can't believe that on Thursday it will be one month since we have been here! Some days it feels like we just got here and others it feels like we have always been here.

So, since I am way behind, I will hit the highlights of the past month.

I haven't blogged because Trey wiped our whole computer and spent a whole week trying to get it all set up again. We sure miss our "techy" neighbor Shaun! They got it up and going via phone conversations. Then it started acting up and I thought I would "help" MMM.... yea not so much!
I wiped it all our again!
So it's partly going again.

We went to church the first Sunday we were here. It was an emotional day for me. I cried all day. When I woke up, on the way to church, through church, after church....you get the idea. WE get there and the conversation was something like this." take one kid to bldg B upstairs, other kids next hall bldg A, other kid downstairs to adjacent hall blah blah blah! I was not happy! I missed parking lot and my kids running in to our old church.
We have since found another church that we think we really like. It is warm and friendly and not so chaotic. I feels a lot like our old church only bigger, but still close and warm.

The first day of school was hectic and full of nerves. I went to eat lunch with the kids and they were all smiles and having a great day. So, when no one seemed to be able to find Caden after school and he was found ACROSS THE STREET AT THE PARK IN TEARS AND TREMBLING!!! At least I knew he had had a good day earlier!. I was not happy at all. Then the second day....again, no one knew where he was. He got shuffled to the wrong car line. Not happy again!
So, the third day as i walked the kids in to give instructions to the teachers, the asst principal pops off and says they don't allow parents to talk to the teachers after 8am.

Oh no she didn't!!!!!

I quickly turn and abruptly tell her," My son has been lost for two days in a row, and no one has bothered to call and check on him or anything. It is our third day at this school and they are not sure of their way around. So I will walk my kids to class and I will talk to the teacher's!"

She quipped," Then you need a name badge."

I've got your name badge lady! Not happy again!

So, I met with the principal to discuss my concerns. That went about as expected.

I am not impressed so far at all! The kids love it though. They are doing great and really adjusting well. The comment was made the other day," We don't want to move back." I guess I can't complain too much when they are happy. I still am not impressed though...

The Cameron's came in town for Logan's 10th birthday and we had such a good time. I miss my friend!

The next couple weeks seemed to have settled into somewhat of a "norm".

Trey's parents came in town this weekend and we really enjoyed having them here. It was a nice time, and of course, the kids had a blast.

Caden had a seal cough and then Ryan did too last night. Went to Dr today and looks like Ryan has flu! Great! It's that time of year!

The kids really are doing great. There are miles and miles of greenbelts for riding bike and tons of room to run and play here. Inside and out. They love our house. Trey is home for dinner and takes the kids to school every morning.

I am having a harder time that I had thought. I didn't realize how much of the little things I would miss. It's hard picking the kids up and seeing all the moms circled up at the park. You can tell the kids have all gone to school together for years. I feel left out of the loop. I don't know all the happenings in the community and up at the school. I miss the familiarity.
It will come. It just caught me off guard. I was so worried about the kids adjusting. I didn't take time to think how it would affect me.

The pros greatly weigh out the cons. It is beautiful here. I love my house and being with my family. It is a much slower pace here. But I will save those details for another day.

that just about catches it all up...I'll try to do better now. (I always say that) :)

Catch Up

Ok. I am going to do my best to recount the details here. I had a cute video slideshow with the song "Happy Trails" playing along. So, just image it. Because it never got posted and our computer got wiped out when we were trying to get it set up here :(.
I am going to start with Thursday October 9th(which happened to be my birthday). That's the day we left.

Early morning, really excited! A HUGE moving truck showed up and it all began. Our whole life packed up in 5 hours. It was such a weird feeling. It was really busy. People everywhere.
Trey and I seemed to be fussing about everything. Emotions were really running high. It seemed like everything was in the way and wasn't going right. There was so much to do all in one day. It was really stressful.
Caden had been sick with mono and didn't even get to say goodbye to his class. Caden and Ryan went to mother-in-law's house which was a huge help. Kannan went to school.So that gave us some time to really get things going at home. Things were going quick and the movers were gone by 2. Then came time for the little details and cleaning up.

I went to pick up Logan and as her friends saw me coming, they grabbed her and wouldn't let go. I was trying to be strong for her, but that didn't last long. As all the kids from 4th grade came out of their classrooms, it just hit me. I had watched all those kids grow up with my kids. They all know Logan's siblings. Many have been in our life since kindergarden. I love them all. It was so hard to walk out of there. Logan didn't cry. I did. She had so many little friends write cards and give her presents. Many were crying. It was tough. But we made it though that part. Then it was back to the house to get ready to go.

All I really cared about was standing in my empty house, with my family, praying and saying goodbye to that part of our life. Well, by the end of the day...
I had to run to the bank. Half of my kids were at my mother-in-laws, Trey ran there(MIL's house) to take a shower. I had huge drama at the bank, couldn't get the cashiers check needed to get the keys to move into this house( the wrong amount of our direct deposit went in), I am in tears at the bank. They had to override some things, so I ended up getting it.
I had been up since 2:30 am, I was exhausted(mentally, physically and emotionally). I thought we would leave at 3. We ended up leaving at 7:30! I left the bank.
I went and ate and MIL's house. Said painful goodbyes, and we were gone. Not from our house. Just gone. It was fine to say goodbye from there, but I didn't say goodbye to my house.

I had brought home, my two youngest girls, from the hospital there. I had healed boo-boos there. I had raised kids there. I had seen my two oldest children accept Christ there. I had seen so many tears there, laughed there, hurt there, rejoiced there. I had grown into a whole different person there. I had seen our marriage go through so much there, be transformed there.
I watched kids learn to ride their bikes there, take first steps there, so much there.
It's just gone, in a blur of memories, gone.

We got here at around 11:30. It all hit Logan as we were going to sleep. She cried such a heart felt cry. So deep. She was heartbroken. Her whole life was gone as she knew it. She just laid in the floor in my arms and cried. My heart broke for her.

But we were here. We were all together after a long 2 months. A hard 2 months. But here.
A whole new home. A whole new life. A whole new chapter to be written.....

First Things...

Hello! I have so much to tell you all about but, 1st things first.

My sweet, sweet Logan. She turned 10 on Saturday, October the 18th. I can not believe it has been 10 years already.

Logan, you changed my life in so many ways. You made everything so much better. You made me learn to give in ways I never thought I could. You showed me what is was to hold love in my hands on the day you were born. You have made me a better person, mom, wife and child of God. You make me want to do better everyday.

You absolutely amaze me. You are so smart, so gifted, so talented, so loving, so big-hearted, so caring, so intuitive, so responsible, and on and on...

You love for things to be just so and perfect. You know exactly how you want things, and if it doesn't happen, you have a hard time changing without letting everyone know. ( I have no idea where that comes from ;) ) You demand perfection from yourself in all you do. You always have. Even when you were little you like all your books stacked up in a nice and neat pile so you could read them. You loved books from the start. You loved to learn. You still do and I hope that always continues. You wouldn't even eat a Oreo cookie if it had a crack or chip in it.

You believe there is right and wrong in the world. You have always had somewhat of an adult side this way. You know that the Bible is truth and believe God for who He is and what He did. I pray you cling to those truths through you whole life.

Logan, I am so glad I get to be your mom everyday. You make me so proud. Just the thought of you makes me smile. You are changing so much and growing in many different ways. I am trying to grow with you. I still see you as that baby I held in my arms and just stared in awe. You will always be that to me.

Ten years ago my whole world turned inside out and became a better place to be. It was no longer about me. I was about you, and us, as a family. Everything I do is for you. The past ten years have flown by. I know the years to follow will too. Soon I will be yellin,' "Gig' Em!" for you. But, until then, I will keep hugging to tight. Listening to all you have to say( I love our talks) ,being there for you, and loving you every minute.

I love you Pip!

two things...

One:
I just had to post this because, how could I not!?!?
Look at how stinkn' cute she is!
Second, because at the Beth Moore live telecast, Beth talked about holding and protecting God's word in your heart. She said that when you hear or read it protect it, and gave the visual of putting your hand over your heart and holding it in.
Don't let go of it. Don't let it get stolen by the day.

This was a totally candid moment with Ryan, but when I saw the picture, my heart melted.

Lord, I pray she can always cling to your Word. I pray she falls madly in love with you and never lets go. Amen

To Everything Turn Turn Turn

The older I get the more I understand some of the lines in that song.

The first leaf of fall fell in my yard on Sunday. I thought it to be quite symbolic of my life right now. A whole new season of my life is about to begin. Seeing that leaf was was just conformation of that.
The is a turn, a new season, a new "purpose under heaven" to which God is working out.
I would not have thought I few weeks ago, that I was prepared or ready, but sure enough, I am. I am so ready to take the next step into another chapter of my life. I am ready to become more than I am today. And more than I will be tomorrow. And the next. I am ready to grow.


PS. sorry that that song is now stuck in your head(for those of you older enough to know it...)

Final Countdown

Well, another countdown. It's 24 days til we move. It hit me today. We really are moving. AND I REALLY HAVE A LOT TO DO!!! That's not much time to get it all done.

Trey is fine and made it through the hurricane. He had power where he was and all was fine. It was a mess around him. But he was good. Praise! I guess he is officially "broken in." I hope I miss my turn. Scary!
5 days til we see him. We are going down Friday. I can't wait to see him!!!

So I have been really sad this week. I feel like ties and bonds are breaking here. Relational doors seem to be closing. In a way I feel like our relationships are drying up. I am not sure if it's an attack or God making it easier when we do leave. I am not sure I am prepared. But I know, He will not let me down and will prepare the way for me there. It's hard to let go.
For weeks, there was such a hightened excitement here. People helping me decorate. People helping fix up our house. People so sad we were leaving. People wanting to spend time with us before we go. Now, It just seems like the emotions have faded. And here we are and there everyone else is. Our life is going to dramatically change and all of theirs just goes back to another day of their life.
I am full of regret for all the relationships I didn't put more effort into. The parties I didn't attend. The time I wasted. All the wrong words I have said. All the negative self images that kept me from diving into life. I feel like I missed out on so much here due to my own imaturity and fears. (I know that in one reason He is moving us-to grow me in these areas)
It has been a big lesson to take the time to let people in and to learn to put myself out there too.

I feel like my hand has been so closed tight this week. I feel like I am not ready to let go of anything right now. I feel sad and anxious and lonely, very lonely. Even inside my own house. It's such a strange feeling. The worse part is, I know the more I hold onto, the less He can put in my hand to receive. I know it, but I can't seem to do it. Not this week anyway.

His mercies are new everyday. Tomorrow is another day and another lesson.

GOOD!

YAY!! YAY!! YAY!!!
We have an accepted offer on our house! Whew! What a relief...Now we are Houston bound..

We still have to get through the option period to be all out of the woods, but i am sure it will be fine.
I am just can't wait to get there, and see God's plan unfold and to see all that is planned for us.

I am just so excited I can't hardly stand it.

I could just ramble on and on and on. WOO HOO!!!

On a different note, SARAH PALIN IS A ROCK STAR!
She is a stud!! I am so proud of someone in the Republican party finally calling black as black, and white as white. All the grey was was driving me crazy!! A real republican!!! Someone not afraid to call is like it is...
What a woman! I can't even begin to imagine the responsibilities she is taking on above the everyday depands of motherhood!
I am really proud to have a nominee that came across as a woman, not a woman trying to be a man(like someone else we know...)
I thought she was direct and to the point. She was brave, strong, graceful, and fearless in her attacks. She topped it all off with a neat bow with a mother's touch. Well done!!
That's my soap box for now...

Update

No, I haven't moved yet. No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, and NO, I am not huddled in my closet in a heap of tears(not today anyway!)

Things have been a "ROLLA-COSTA" for sure around here lately.

Trey came home this weekend, which was GREAT! It was a small dose of him, but a well needed booster shot. We all had a great time together. There was such a sense of calm from everyone. It was just peace.

We thought we had 3 incoming offers on our house and then it slowly dwindled to one. A very low one. Then out of the blue we were back up to 2. Now back to one, but they have come up more than we thought they would. It's still not as much as we would like, but we just have to take what we can get so we can get out here and be all together. They have agreed to everything we asked, so we are just trying to get to an agreeable price. Keep praying...hopefully today!!!



The kids had a long week at school. They have the greatest teachers, Mrs. Watson and Mrs. Kinsey. There was high drama for Logan, because she didn't even have one friend in her class, but she seems fine now. She adores Mrs. Watson so that seemed to make up for it...

Caden loves Mrs. Kinsey. They were exhausted last week.



So let's see how good your emotional math is...

If you have 4 children who have slept in all summer, 1 Dad who left for Houston on Thursday, 1 night of meet the teacher(minus 1 Dad) 1 first day of school(minus 1 Dad), 5 early morning days in week(minus 1 Dad-you get the picture). 3 kids in one room(will explain later) 1 mom with 2 hands and 2 arms to love and only 1 mom with an overloaded brain, numerous and too many to count emotions, what would your week look like???!!!



We are hanging in there and this week is better. We are getting in the swing of things and taken things one day at a time.
Going along with my header of "The Opened Handed Life", there have been many things I have been holding on to this week. And many things I have received from My God.

His Mercies Are New Everyday! Thank Goodness...

Void

Trey left Thursday for Houston.
I wanted to sit and write all about it, but I couldn't . There were so many raw emotions that I couldn't even form words most of the day.
I have such a pain in my chest even as I write this. The tears well, and I can't breathe. I miss him so much it hurts, literally.

We laid in bed Wednesday night, and I tried to stay awake all night, with all I had. I just didn't want it to be the day he had to leave. I didn't want to wake up and tell him goodbye. But I did.
It almost seems like a dream. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I am not sure how or why he is gone. It just doesn't seem right.
We are here. He is there.
All of his things are gone. All his T-shirts, his contacts, his watch on the bathroom sink at night...gone.
As he hugged me goodbye all I could do was shake my head,"NO!"
This can't be happening, please NO!
It was a long night. The kids and I just cried. They are having a hard time. A very hard time. They need their dad.
He is the laughter, the joy, the fun in our house. I miss the feet running, and voices yelling,"DADDY!" when they hear the door opening.
I miss his arms around me.
I miss his face. It hurt to look at him the days before he left.

When we made the decision for him to leave, we had a strong contract on the table. That fell through the day before he left. We had a date to be back together. I had an end. Now I just feel like we are hanging.
I know it's going to be OK. God has a purpose and a plan better than we could ever plan. I just can't say it doesn't hurt.
My best friend isn't here with me. He isn't here to hold me, to talk to me face to face, to hug me, to make me laugh, to kiss me...
I miss him so much!! I know I said that, but I do.
The minute he walked out the door there was a void. The whole house shifted. It was different in an instant. It was an overwhelming difference. There will be til we are all together again.
He is my love...my man...my better half(for real!)...he make me a better person.
I love you Trey.

Please keep praying...I know I will be...

TOO CUTE!!

Look how cute my blog is...i was envious of all the fancy ones!
I would love to say that I did it, but no one would ever believe me, knowing my computer skills and patience level. Not that I didn't attempt it though...and after much frustration, my sweet friend Valinda, did it in a matter of minutes!(we all have our gifts) :)
Thanks Valinda,,, I love it!!

God's Hand

I didn't write this I got it from another blog I like to read. It was really good though, so I thought I would pass it along...


10:17 AM (14 minutes ago)
The Shelter of God's Hand
from Traveling the Road Home by Melinda
Today is one of those "word" days. I get them from time to time; a day when God drops a word into my mind like a coin into a bank. The word for the day is "hand".
I combed the scriptures, of which there are many, that have to do with the hand. There are passages about man's left hand and right hand, the hands of oppressors, the hand of the enemy; but more than any other, there are scriptures talking about the mighty hand of God.
This one in particular stood out to me:
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God,
that he may exalt you in due time.
1 Peter 5:6 (KJV)
Last month, my blog friend, Elaine, wrote a post called "Anonymous". [As an aside, you should just head right on over to her blog, Peace For the Journey, when you're done here. Oh my WORD, that girl can write and the Lord will bless your socks off through her! Okay, as I was saying...] She discussed the "hidden" seasons of our lives, when we go about the mundane of our daily lives, seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, to the world at large. This scripture made me think of her post and the way most of us experience being "hidden" at one time or another.
I decided to break down the scripture. Here's what I found:
Humble yourselves: tapeinoō - to make low, bring low
therefore: oun - accordingly, these things being so
under: hypo - by, under
the mighty: krataios - of the mighty power of God
hand: cheir - applied to God symbolizing His might, activity, power in...upholding and preserving (God is present protecting and aiding one).
of God: theos - spoken of the only and true God; the Godhead, Trinity
that: hina - in order that, so that
He may exalt: hypsoō - to lift up high, to exalt, to raise to dignity, honor and happiness
you: hymas - you, for your sakes
in: en - in, by, with
due time: kairos - due measure, the right time, opportune or seasonable time, at the divinely appointed time. [i]
Here is my takeaway:
If we are going through a time of being "hidden", we need to take comfort in the fact that we are hidden under God's mighty hand. If we humble ourselves and make ourselves low, we can embrace the fact that we are not stuck under God's thumb, seemingly unable to move forward, but are being preserved and protected, sheltered and grown until the right time, the divinely appointed time when He will scoop us up and lift us high.
Joyfully LAY LOW to, in His time, be RAISED HIGH.
All the while, you'll enjoy both the covering and the foundation of His MIGHTY HAND

subject to change....

Well, the latest is Trey is leaving next Thursday. He has to be there to begin his job. The kids and I, are staying here. They will start school here...and then we will move when our house sells. We have someone really interested in the house, so hopefully, the move will be sooner rather than later.
It will all be good.
The kids are excited about starting school with their friends.

So, that's the plan, at this point...there have been many plans, so I am not holding my breath. But, at least it's a starting point.

Let me also say,"I AM SO READY FOR SCHOOL TO START!" It has been a crazy morning. I think the kids are ready too, from all the arguing and bickering and teasing. The Natives are restless!

After a couple weeks, I will be sad they are gone all the time again, but today.. . BRING-IT-ON!

Open Handed....

After a very long week and many many tears...I surrender all.

We (meaning me) had been in such a state of confusion and turmoil.
I had completely fallen under attack and was letting the enemy win. I began to doubt all the truth I knew God had placed on Trey's heart and mine months ago.
So many doors had been closed. We couldn't find a home in Houston. All the showings on our home had stopped, Trey was leaving without us, school was(is) about to start, money was(is ) tight.
The light was being suffocated by the darkness and I was allowing to enter my heart.
My vision seemed to fade to black...I was blind, it seemed. I couldn't see the steps He wanted me to take.
I cried soo much last week. My eyes stayed swollen and red for days. I felt so alone. Like He left.
Why? Why would He leave me here to suffer? Why would He leave me afraid? Why would He leave me wondering where He was...for His Glory...
He didn't leave..He never will...
He just let me get low enough to bring me to desperation and surrender.

I got on my face, and slowly, reluctantly, honestly, opened my hands and let go. I let him have it all. The fingernail marks in my palms reminders of how tight my grip had been.
More tears, cleansing tears, repentant tears, healing tears...

Through it all He was there. Growing me, protecting me, teaching me, tearing out the old, and restoring the new.

So, at the end of the day, after letting go and opening my hands to Him...

We have a strong offer on our house (possibly), the rent house we desperately wanted, the owner is willing to hold it until our house sells!
Amazing Grace.

Even through my disobedience and doubt...forgive me my Lord. I am sorry...so sorry
without me getting it all right.. He prevails...
I just stood in awe, in silence last night. There was nothing left to say, but give reverence where reverence was due.

I would love to stand back and say that I handled this journey with grace, peace, patience, and faith. I haven't . I will not be guilty though or discouraged.
He grew something new in my through this...stronger, calmer, clearer. More....more of Him...

Lord I pray, although the pain feels so great, you continue to grow me...I am learning to enjoy the growing pains more.
My pray continues to be let me live an opened handed life to you. Let me give it all to you daily. Help me to realize when I am holding on and help me to let go...I love you desperately...

Fancy Blogs

Ok Girls, How Do I get the fancy blogs stuff thats all pretty??

Attack! Attack!

That's how things feel the past couple of days....satan is sure chasing us hard right now.
We are having so much trouble finding a house in Houston. Our house here has had a ton of traffic, but no offers. Things have gotten really crazy with so many details swirling and nothing seems to be sticking or coming together.
At this point, it looks like Trey may have to go down without us and we will have to stay here. You know that is just the exact opposite of what this move was supposed to be about. That just seems like that would be the worst thing EVER!
I need you all to pray like crazy....I know God's perfect timing and will is going to win and prevail. If that is His plan, then we will take that journey.
I just want to make sure we take defensive matters and keep ourselves protected from the lies...
"satan will always tell you what is true, but never tell you the truth..."-Beth Moore

Thanks in advance for your prayers...i love you all....

Caden's Baptism

This was supposed to upload on my other post and didn't so.... continue reading......

Oh Glorious Day!

My sweet boy was baptized yesterday. He has been sooo excited about get "babtitized"! I know he is 7 and I could have/should have corrected him, but it was so sweet and innocent when he said it like that, through he voice of excitement...
this is the ring we gave him afterwards. We had the date that he prayed to receive Christ, engraved inside.

To make it even better, Trey got to baptize him at our amazing church. Trey did a great job. He held it together(pretty well...)

It was an awesome day. I love knowing that my sweet son, is a child of God. I love that he was so excited to let everyone know that he was going to heaven one day!

I love thee Lord Jesus...thank you for such a blessed life...

20 days and counting!

Well, the count down begins. We found a house after an exhausting weekend. The kids were so great of a total of over 30 hours in the car. That's the trip down there
(5), house hunting day 1 (12), house hunting day two (8), and then the last day (7).
It was soo crazy. I felt so bad for them. But they couldn't have been any better. It has been so overwhelming and mental exhausting with all of this. And we still have so much to do.
We are so excited though,.the area is so pretty. You can't even see some of the neighborhoods because the trees are so thick.
The house is 5 minutes from the club Trey will be at! That means way more family time!
It seems like a dream some days.
We know that God has some major stuff planned for us. I can't wait to see it unfold. It feels like waiting for Christmas. I can only imagine all the little presents and blessing He has tucked away to let us open through each step of obedience. The anticipation is killing me!!!
How fun and exciting?!?!

Still Working!

 

So we(meanining Trey and the others) are hard at work everynight on the kitchen. Last night was the grout. So, we should only have a day or two more of this chaos.
Trey has had some really great help.

 

 

 

Look at the awesome job they did!!!

Home Improvement!

Well,
We are going on day two of putting new tile in our kitchen...It is going about as well as expected. hmmm...Let's see. Our whole kitchen is in my living room. I meant it. The fridge, the bar stools, the table and chairs, the pantry. ALL of it. WE ARE ONLY IN 1400 TO BEGIN WITH!!!
It's really ok, so far. The kids have been great. Ryan has been asleep for a while. I am worried about this afternoon..We are going to have to find some errands to run.
I am sure by tomorrow it would have been a nightmare. Thank goodness we are leaving to take Logan to Sky Ranch for the week.
She is so excited to go to camp. I am excited too, for her. I will be OK until about Thursday, then I will cry like a baby. I hate being away from my kids.
I will post some pics of the kitchen soon! It's going to look great.
The guys are really doing an awesome job. Jason Bankhead, and our neighbor Darrell have been helping. They have been lifesavers!!! Really, they probably save us two days of work. Such a huge help and blessing!

Gut Check

Well,
this has been a crazy couple of weeks. Caden started out with a sore throat and we ended up at the ENT trying to rule out lymphoma!
I don't know that I have ever been that scared. I prayed on my knees, hands in the air, face to the ground, every way! I begged, pleaded and bargained. I sobbed, wailed, cried, sniffled and had a panic attack.
this was my baby. my boy. the one I say, "Goodnight Buddy Boy! I love you!" Every night to.
It was excruciating.
We got the news yesterday that his blood work came back all normal and it was all most likely a weird virus. He is feeling better too. I think it's the first time I breathed a full breath in 6 days. It was rough.

Once again, God is faithful. Forever.

Happy Father's Day

Trey,
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am not sure if you fully understand that! Because of you being placed in my life, it set in motion a chain of events I could have never imagined.
First, being married to you has been an incredible journey. I can not wait to see what all is planned for ther rest of our time together.
Second, our salvation. His timing in all of that and surrounding us still blows my mind!
Third our kids.....I have been so blessed to be their mom and to raise them with you.

You give up everything so that I can be home to help raise your kids, to be your wife and to help this family become what God desires it to be.
You work harder than anyone I have ever met. I amazes(and frustrates) me. But, I could never do what you have done for us all these years.
You want sooo desperately to do what God wants you to do. That is so apparent!
You love those kids with all you have. You are the best dad ever. You are so much fun. I love to listen to the heart to heart talks, when you don't know I am listening...you are such an encourager.
You are an awesome influence in their life and in mine.
I have such an extreme amount of confidence in you. I know I could leave for weeks and they would be ok and taken care of and you would get it all done without complaining... (Believe me, I am planning it!) Just kidding.... sort of...
You are the best. I love you more and more everyday!
Thanks and Have the best day! You deserve it.!!!...

On My Way To The Promise Land!

My sweet, sweet boy! Caden Edward Hardin prayed to receive Christ tonight!!!! It just doens't get any better than that. He has been at VBS all week. He asked tonight as we were saying prayers,"What does it mean to ask Jesus into your heart?" He had heard Pastor Khris talk today about it.
He has been asking some big questions for a few weeks now, but I knew this was God's moment. It was just different. I could tell it had sunk it this time. God had let him hear it!


He is a great big brother, and little brother.
He is super silly. He is an aweome athlete and total natural, just like his Dad.

And now, most importantly. A CHILD OF GOD!

i LOVE YOU BUDDY BOY!

Memories

So I swore that when i started this blog i would post everyday all the cute little things my kids said and did...hmm...not so much...

I swear. I have the prettiest journals and devotionals all collecting dust under my bed or in a closet somewhere. I always buy them and say," This time I am going to do it!" Same with this blog and same result...HUMPF!



Anyway. Little Kannan made me smile today. We have VBS at church all this week. We are on day two.

To back up a little, a few weels agp she asked and has repeatily asked," Mommy, are you going to die?"

Me all confused, but calmly answered....,"No, honey, God watches over us and I will be right here with you."

Really, in my head, the answer is....."OH No, she is totally sensing something that I can not see or feel yet. GREAT! I have cancer and God is telling me I should just start the "dead-mothering video tapes" now, with all the things I should tell her after I am gone. I need to start now! I need to have something at every mile stone and make it the greatest thing ever so she will never ever forget me!"



Yes, I know to some of you that sounds crazy. To those who know me well, it was a good laugh at me and yourself a little too. You know who you are.....



back to my story.Things have been really emotional and crazy for me with all of job stuff with Trey and stuff. I was fine until about the end of last week and it's just been a down hill thought pattern since then. I am better after today though.

We were sitting doing our bible lesson. IT was all about Baby Jesus and where he was born. We got to the end of the story and Kannan chimes in, while sitting on my lap," We don't have to worry 'cause God takes care of us..."



Faith of a child.....I needed to borrow some today! Thanks Kannan!

A new life!!!

My best friend Angela is in labor!!!!! eeeeee!!!
I am so excited. A brand new little sweet baby!! I post pics when i get some of that little, oh wait. He is going to weight almost 10 lbs.- so not so little sweet face.....

Love you Angela...I am praying for you.....

Cinderella!

Well, For those of you that haven't heard, Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter was killed in an awful accident on Wednesday night. Her older brother accidentally ran over her in their driveway...I know! It is just unimaginable!

I can't even begin to understand the whys and all that will be involved in that mourning process.

I heard someone say,"It's at times like this, You have to understand the heart of God when you don't understand the hand of God. "

I found this on a site. It's the about the song "Cinderella" he wrote for his girls...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhDDzbA

Home At Last!

Well, Trey finally got home yesterday. In a lot of ways it seems like he wasn't even gone. I told him that. I said,"On one hand, it was good that it feels that way. Things didn't seem too chaotic or too sad. I just missed seeing your face. In the day to day stuff nothing really felt different. On the other hand, the fact that you were gone for 10 DAYS and it didn't really feel all the different, really means you work WWAAAYY too much...!!!!" He agreed.
It was nice to have him back to hug and hold on too. There were lots of hugs and kisses and arguing over who would sit by daddy and who could hold his hand, and who could play the next game and... and... and...Trey ate it up and just smiled all afternoon and just said how much he had missed all the noise. Imagine that! :)
He is a great dad. The best. He is a great husband too. The best.

Almost Here!

Well, After 9 days of illnesses: Ryan with pink-eye, teething and a cough. Kannan with an ear infection and a viral infection. Me with pink-eye, and Caden with a viral infection, Trey will be home tomorrow!!! Yea! Man, he really missed out....
We have missed him so much! He has a great time. He is just right where he needed to be. At this point, it looks like the move will be in August to Houston. We will see. It seems to be a flurry of information everyday. It is scary and exciting at the same time. I am just sooo excited to see what God's plan for our family is and to watch it unfold.

Cuddled up
Such good friends! Family really!!! We had such a good time at our friend house. ...
Silly...

Friends

I heard it said somewhere that if you are lucky enough in this world to have one true best friend then you are truly blessed. I know that is true in my life. I am lucky enough to have a couple. One I got to visit yesterday. We used to live by each other in Arlington. Our kids grew up together and LOVE each other sooo much. They had a blast. They have never fought or gotten in a argument. That's with 8 kids around too! They just truly love being together and spending time together.
It's time's like this that I miss Michelle . She is like a sister to me., She has never hurt me or done anything to bring me down. She has always built me up and encouraged me. I am so glad to have her in my life and I will miss Michelle. (they are moving to D.C.)

Michelle is the person who taught me what being a REAL friend really meant. Not the mean girls, in high school friendship. Authentic, honest, and true friendship. I have learned so much from her in many ways, as a friend and as a mom. For those of you in my life, you have her to thank that I can be the friend that I am to you.

She is the BEST mom. She is really the mom I want to be when I grow up! :) Her kids are rarely a bother. I mean it. She really never complains about them and honestly enjoys being a mom to the fullest point. She plays flashlight freeze tag in the dark, football for 3 hours in the yard, fixes dinner every night and never misses a game. Her kids bring her such joy and are never a bother. She is human and needs a break and gets frustrated, but not like most moms I hear these days, myself included.

She is such a great person and I will always be in her life. I am so thankful that God put her in my life. I am all the better for having her in it.

Touch

I never thought that I could think about missing someones touch so much. Trey left today for Minnesota for 10 days...we have never been apart for more than a night. As he held my hand in the car, I realized that I will not get to hug him, kiss him, or feel him next to me for 10 nights. Just to feel him next to me or hug him when he gets home. I didn't realize how much I take that for granted. Until today....

I had been running around crazy all day trying to get stuff done for him to get ready to go and it hit me while things were quiet in the car. I was still holding it together until we pulled up at the terminal drop off. It was all over then. I bawled like a baby and so did my kids. He will be so missed. I can't wait to feel him next to me again soon!

I will miss you babe! I love you more than words....I will miss my best friend and love of my life!

Ryan!

Look Who's 1!

Sweet Ryan! I can not believe she is a year old. This year seems like a blur. She loves to play and gives the best hugs and she wraps her arms around you as far as they will go. She tots around after her brother and sisters all day. And that's a lot to keep up with. She hangs in there like a champ though! She is always smiling and happy. If she ever has a bad day you know something is really wrong. Everyone stares at her when we are out because she is so beautiful. She gets compliments wherever we go. (I must agree!)
Her eyes light up and sparkle like nothing i have ever seen. I swear God put stars in them!
Her charm is undeniable.

Ryan, I thank God for you everyday and I love you....

Girls!!!Girls!!!Girls!!!

It was quite the day around here...My sweet Logan was so emotional!!! Wait...

Let's be honest and start from the beginning. I was emotional and in a funk all last night and this morning. Nothing seem to make me happy. I wondered around TJ Maxx and Target last night for 2 hours and didn't even buy 1 thing! I know!!! It was B-A-D! Then this morning, things weren't much better. i was on the brink of tears all morning. No REAL reason, just was...
I felt fat in everything I tried on, so I put on my pants that were 2 sizes to big that I wore when I was pregnant. That made me feel better. They were loose, didn't pinch my in all the wrong places, and I didn't have a muffin top(at least for a while)! Who cares if it looked like i took a dump in my pants from behind...

I tried and tried to hold in all my emotions...(we all know where this is going...don't we...) Then Trey asked me what was wrong.
Well, i don't think I have to explain what happened. You all know...

We talked for a while(he talked- I sniffled and blubbered about stuff).then he left for work. You know he had to be so glad it was time to leave!

My husband was so great and sent me a text that I had sent to him last week..."Be Still And Know That I Am God!!!"

Just what I needed. Sigh...What a good man I got!!!!

After that, I seemed to calm down a bit...

Then, my kiddos were home. dun..dun...dun...

Just kidding. :) It was really fine. Kannan was actually really sweet AND A GREAT LISTENER! (must be a full moon or something) Caden was pretty mellow(nothing knew there) and Ryan was sweet and happy(nothing new there either).

Logan, AH, Logan!
Nothing was good enough, done right, or said right, NOTHING... I don't know where she gets that from. Honestly!

We finally made it through homework after a couple of "discussion on whether she really wanted my help or just to argue." Went to soccer, found a caterpillar, named it Cleo, let it loose, cried the whole way home because we couldn't keep it. (Yes, her heart is just that big). Then showers, a forgotten question on homework, then the floodgates opened...

Tears for every situation for the past 2 months that have hurt her feelings. From birthday parties, to not getting called on in class, to playground "drama", to me , to Trey, to Caden, to Kannan, and everyone else that ever said anything that Might have hurt her feelings. (Ryan's too little, her time is coming!)
Once again, not sure where she gets all this from :) Just kidding-SHE IS SOOOO MY KID!

We may but heads, but when she lets me be there for her and I calm down long enough to realize what she needs at that moment,That's when i love being her mom the most! The picture is a letter she wrote tonight after our talk.
In case you can't read it.

Dear Mommy,
Thank you for helping me with all my problems today! Love, Logan(Pip)

Boys!!!

Here is Caden and all his "gang" rockin' it.
Look at that hair!!! He looks like a totally different kid! Such the hipster!!! Or hippie maybe! :) The other boys are two of his classmates.

The Dance

This is Logan's favorite night of the whole year!! The night of the Daddy Daughter Dance!!!
Really, I mean it. She loves it more than Christmas, her birthday, any of the other days...
It's just her and Daddy...
They had a great time. I can't believe how big she has gotten. She is such an amazing girl and I am so proud of who she is as a person.

The video is from the baseball game. Cool dudes I know!