It's funny how you don't notice how much you enjoy sleep until you don't get it.
I haven't really slept in about 2 weeks. I feel like I am constantly awake.
When I do sleep in a small section of time, one of the kids comes in. Lately it's been Kannan. EVERYNIGHT! I am almost to the point of flipping her door lock around and locking her in there, expect I just put Ryan in there and the screams could bother her just a little. Then I would have two of them up, and then the reality is probably all 4 would be up at that point.
But that wouldn't be any different than last night!!! HONESTLY!
whose kids are these and where did mine go? aren't they supposed to sleep through the night by age 10!
sheesh!!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
stronger
ahhh...
Felling better and stronger. Funny how when you let God lead things tend to calm down. When you let him be your focus, other things balance out and your not so distracted by them..
You would think I could remember that!!!
It feels good to have a calmer few days.
Helps when you realize you were taking way too much of your thyroid supplement and it was making you feel like poop too and emotional!
I date night also helps, and when your man tells you that he thinks you look better today than you did when you first met. Good one HUH???!!!
Loving this week.
Felling better and stronger. Funny how when you let God lead things tend to calm down. When you let him be your focus, other things balance out and your not so distracted by them..
You would think I could remember that!!!
It feels good to have a calmer few days.
Helps when you realize you were taking way too much of your thyroid supplement and it was making you feel like poop too and emotional!
I date night also helps, and when your man tells you that he thinks you look better today than you did when you first met. Good one HUH???!!!
Loving this week.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I told ME so....
I knew , what I knew, what I knew...then I did it anyway.
Facebook.
I told myself I was doing good and could handle it, but no, I couldn't and can't. I knew the truth, my truth, but listened to the seduction anyway.
For me, surface isn't good enough. I felt like it was all surface relationship stuff. I just don't process that well. I am not good at just little chit-chat things. I am deep! What I mean is, I just relate better within deep relationships. I am steadier with that kind of relationship.
Anything can become a stronghold. Movies, TV, sex, money, food, facebook, relationships, people, worrying, fear, anything. It's all different for all people and this was becoming one of mine(of many). It was in my way. IN my way of focusing on what the Lord was trying to say and do in my life. It was my way of not sitting still long enough to listen.
I was substituting my lack of friendships and fellowship here in Houston with FB. A verse jumped out at me this week and I have it everywhere.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
SO, I have to set it aside.
Refocus on what He is doing.
I feel better. ahhh!
Who knows, there may come a time when it is OK for me.
It's kind of like food. Food in it self is fine. Bite here, bite there, fine. Overindulge causes big problems. For most people food is just meal. For others in consumes their life.
Isn't it interesting, what someone can just do casually without distraction, causes another to stumble. I look at other people and often wonder,"Why can't i just do that?" or "I could never have that in my life." But for them it's just there.
It really blows my mind how God knows every area to the smallest detail, even something as stupid as FB, that he wants to work on us. He knows every stronghold from the biggest to the smallest. And so does Satan! It's all so individualized. So personal. So deep.
It's so powerful, to be able to learn and grow from what hold us back. I stand in awe today and humbled.
We will see what I trip over next week!!! (wink)
Facebook.
I told myself I was doing good and could handle it, but no, I couldn't and can't. I knew the truth, my truth, but listened to the seduction anyway.
For me, surface isn't good enough. I felt like it was all surface relationship stuff. I just don't process that well. I am not good at just little chit-chat things. I am deep! What I mean is, I just relate better within deep relationships. I am steadier with that kind of relationship.
Anything can become a stronghold. Movies, TV, sex, money, food, facebook, relationships, people, worrying, fear, anything. It's all different for all people and this was becoming one of mine(of many). It was in my way. IN my way of focusing on what the Lord was trying to say and do in my life. It was my way of not sitting still long enough to listen.
I was substituting my lack of friendships and fellowship here in Houston with FB. A verse jumped out at me this week and I have it everywhere.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
SO, I have to set it aside.
Refocus on what He is doing.
I feel better. ahhh!
Who knows, there may come a time when it is OK for me.
It's kind of like food. Food in it self is fine. Bite here, bite there, fine. Overindulge causes big problems. For most people food is just meal. For others in consumes their life.
Isn't it interesting, what someone can just do casually without distraction, causes another to stumble. I look at other people and often wonder,"Why can't i just do that?" or "I could never have that in my life." But for them it's just there.
It really blows my mind how God knows every area to the smallest detail, even something as stupid as FB, that he wants to work on us. He knows every stronghold from the biggest to the smallest. And so does Satan! It's all so individualized. So personal. So deep.
It's so powerful, to be able to learn and grow from what hold us back. I stand in awe today and humbled.
We will see what I trip over next week!!! (wink)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
random 2
It wouldn't upload all my stuff together for some reason...Anyway, I made this for my mom. It was an old pic $6 from Goodwill. I mod-poged (?)
the pics on there after cutting them out. Cute!
Trey saw my moms and thought it was for us and loved it, so I made one for his bday. Again, $4 frame ...to cute
Make your own pizza night for Dad's bday
precious
Random
So I haven't posted pics in a while.This my what I found the other day after noticing it was waaaay to quiet around here...
Hmmmm.
all cleaned up and getting biG(for her)she's still teeny
Miss Sassy! Sunday, February 15, 2009
Powerful..
11 years ago I had a choice to make.
I was unmarried, scared, unsure about the future and lost.
I took a test one day that I passed with flying colors. Two blue lines
showed my grade. Pregnant.
I was terrified. Trey was right beside me . He had choices to make too.
We just smiled. There was excitement and terror in the room
all at the same time. We just knew everything was about to change.
There were phone calls to make. Disappointments in our parents voices to hear.
Their dreams and ours were changed in an instant.
Truth be told, there were no choices.
Just one.
Life.
I have known several friends, dear friends, who have chosen different.
They still bear the scars of that choice to this day.
It's an indescribable pain.
I held their hand and wiped their tears through their choice.
I am forever changed for my choice.
My life went from black and white to color the day that life was born.
And yes, I hear the "yeah, but you had Trey." "Yeah, but you had family."
"yeah, but you don't understand...."
Your right. I don't
And I didn't have all that.
Trey and I were so far from committed to each other.
My family was so far away.
I had nothing.
But
God had better plans than any excuse.
I am not better than anyone.
I just took a different path.
The laws are changing to make that other path more accessible. Please watch and pray for the
ones that don't have a voice. take the time to read this post
I was unmarried, scared, unsure about the future and lost.
I took a test one day that I passed with flying colors. Two blue lines
showed my grade. Pregnant.
I was terrified. Trey was right beside me . He had choices to make too.
We just smiled. There was excitement and terror in the room
all at the same time. We just knew everything was about to change.
There were phone calls to make. Disappointments in our parents voices to hear.
Their dreams and ours were changed in an instant.
Truth be told, there were no choices.
Just one.
Life.
I have known several friends, dear friends, who have chosen different.
They still bear the scars of that choice to this day.
It's an indescribable pain.
I held their hand and wiped their tears through their choice.
I am forever changed for my choice.
My life went from black and white to color the day that life was born.
And yes, I hear the "yeah, but you had Trey." "Yeah, but you had family."
"yeah, but you don't understand...."
Your right. I don't
And I didn't have all that.
Trey and I were so far from committed to each other.
My family was so far away.
I had nothing.
But
God had better plans than any excuse.
I am not better than anyone.
I just took a different path.
The laws are changing to make that other path more accessible. Please watch and pray for the
ones that don't have a voice. take the time to read this post
I think about that day often.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Proud
It's all in the little things right?! Well, I didn't sink into the depths of hell after getting a facebook account like I thought I would. I thought I would for sure have blisters on my fingers from typing and have grown into my chair by now, but I have done well. Actually great. The first day was crazy with all the emails and friends. It was fun though. People I have talked to or thought about in years and years and some I had wondered about and missed for years and years.
I still don't really know what a lot of it is all about. But, that's OK. I don't know what throwing beads means, how to get married, or any of that stuff. One day I will figure it all out.
But, I was very proud of myself. If I had signed up a few months ago. OH MAN! That would have been bad news.
But now on to the big news to be proud of....
Trey's club opened Thursday. His parents came in town, so of course the kids were so excited to see them.
It was a whirlwind of a weekend. They got in town. We played a few minutes. Got dressed and went to eat. The ribbon cutting was @ 6. We were hustling up there. We had to wait outside for the doors to be opened. It was a short line, about 75 people. Not too bad.
As, we were standing there I had such butterflies. This was 11 years in the making. We have struggling for so long. I thought about all the hard times, all the jobs Trey has had, all he days he didn't even eat a lunch, all the times he was so ready for more, all the sacrifices he has made and we have made as a family through the years. I thought about all the tears, the fears, the fights, the struggles.
I also, thought about all the laughter, the births, the baptisms, the joys, the little moments that make the days worthwhile. All the changes. Time.
I had so many emotions welling up inside me.
They finally opened the doors and by this time there was a pretty big crowd formed. It was amazing. The staff was so loud that my buffer shut my camcorder off!
My eyes found Trey's and filled with tears, as did his. I walked quickly over to Trey ( i wanted to just run so hard and jump into his arms, but I was trying to keep some composure, for his sake. Not mine. You know I would have done it and not even cared!!) and I burst into tears -he did too. I didn't go into the "ugly cry" but close...
Logan said, "Mommy, it's all been worth it now!" I think it was such a visual realization for the kids and for me too, but I think it helped them understand more why he works so hard.
It was a great night. The club looked great and there were tons of people. The crowd just kept growing. Turns out, they were expecting about 1000. There were 4600!
I have been so overwhelmed by His blessings. It is such a strange feeling to be moving into a different phase of life. See, Satan's biggest stronghold has been our finances and now that is about to change. I am eagerly anticipating the changes and growth and to see where God takes us through all of this.
I am so proud of Trey. There is so much more to come...
I still don't really know what a lot of it is all about. But, that's OK. I don't know what throwing beads means, how to get married, or any of that stuff. One day I will figure it all out.
But, I was very proud of myself. If I had signed up a few months ago. OH MAN! That would have been bad news.
But now on to the big news to be proud of....
Trey's club opened Thursday. His parents came in town, so of course the kids were so excited to see them.
It was a whirlwind of a weekend. They got in town. We played a few minutes. Got dressed and went to eat. The ribbon cutting was @ 6. We were hustling up there. We had to wait outside for the doors to be opened. It was a short line, about 75 people. Not too bad.
As, we were standing there I had such butterflies. This was 11 years in the making. We have struggling for so long. I thought about all the hard times, all the jobs Trey has had, all he days he didn't even eat a lunch, all the times he was so ready for more, all the sacrifices he has made and we have made as a family through the years. I thought about all the tears, the fears, the fights, the struggles.
I also, thought about all the laughter, the births, the baptisms, the joys, the little moments that make the days worthwhile. All the changes. Time.
I had so many emotions welling up inside me.
They finally opened the doors and by this time there was a pretty big crowd formed. It was amazing. The staff was so loud that my buffer shut my camcorder off!
My eyes found Trey's and filled with tears, as did his. I walked quickly over to Trey ( i wanted to just run so hard and jump into his arms, but I was trying to keep some composure, for his sake. Not mine. You know I would have done it and not even cared!!) and I burst into tears -he did too. I didn't go into the "ugly cry" but close...
Logan said, "Mommy, it's all been worth it now!" I think it was such a visual realization for the kids and for me too, but I think it helped them understand more why he works so hard.
It was a great night. The club looked great and there were tons of people. The crowd just kept growing. Turns out, they were expecting about 1000. There were 4600!
I have been so overwhelmed by His blessings. It is such a strange feeling to be moving into a different phase of life. See, Satan's biggest stronghold has been our finances and now that is about to change. I am eagerly anticipating the changes and growth and to see where God takes us through all of this.
I am so proud of Trey. There is so much more to come...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
LOOOOOOOOSER!
OK, so my friend, (my old best friend growing up) found my email from my blog and wanted me to see her pics on - you guessed it - FACEBOOK! SO, i sign up thinking I can just see her page. NOO
Now I have my own stinkn' acct... AHHH! Great. Now I see all these names and faces that I haven't seem it YEARS! GR8!!!
eating my words ya'll....pray for me!
Now I have my own stinkn' acct... AHHH! Great. Now I see all these names and faces that I haven't seem it YEARS! GR8!!!
eating my words ya'll....pray for me!
Just Say NO!
OK peeps!
I am tellin' ya all rite now!!
I AM NOT JOINING "CRACKBOOK" IE: Facebook.
I have gotten you links and emails and requests. While I appreciate you wanting me to join, I just can't.
I am not that strong. I would be addicted in no time. I know it...I love to talk, observe, gossip, and so on and so on...
But, I have too many children that might starve and then CPS would be at my door and it would be so embarrasing to have to say, " I am so sorry, but my new Facebook friends needed me and I couldn't make snacks today." I don't think that would go over very well.
I think it is fine for whomever can manage it, but when you opt out and some of the options for cancelling are:
Causing marraige problems
Emtional distress
Realtionship problems
Interferring with work
Interferring with real life realationships
Having truoble connecting to people in real life situations.
Does anyone else see a problem here?>?>?
Just wondering.
I know this because Trey had one. Work asked him to set one up. It drove him nuts...
He can't not sit still or listen to just random things. It has to have purpose or a goal in sight. So I laughed when he set it up and told him he would hate it. I laughed again when he cancelled it.
Me, I would eat it up with a spoon.
I am so nosy and would love to be in everybody's business. See! Not good for me... B_A_D.
I am just heeding the red flags. Everyone one I have read and talked to that has a Facebook acct. says how "time addicting" it is. So for me, I have to "just say no!"
So, I have to be old school and have ya email or text or actually even, the caveman way -call me.
I am tellin' ya all rite now!!
I AM NOT JOINING "CRACKBOOK" IE: Facebook.
I have gotten you links and emails and requests. While I appreciate you wanting me to join, I just can't.
I am not that strong. I would be addicted in no time. I know it...I love to talk, observe, gossip, and so on and so on...
But, I have too many children that might starve and then CPS would be at my door and it would be so embarrasing to have to say, " I am so sorry, but my new Facebook friends needed me and I couldn't make snacks today." I don't think that would go over very well.
I think it is fine for whomever can manage it, but when you opt out and some of the options for cancelling are:
Causing marraige problems
Emtional distress
Realtionship problems
Interferring with work
Interferring with real life realationships
Having truoble connecting to people in real life situations.
Does anyone else see a problem here?>?>?
Just wondering.
I know this because Trey had one. Work asked him to set one up. It drove him nuts...
He can't not sit still or listen to just random things. It has to have purpose or a goal in sight. So I laughed when he set it up and told him he would hate it. I laughed again when he cancelled it.
Me, I would eat it up with a spoon.
I am so nosy and would love to be in everybody's business. See! Not good for me... B_A_D.
I am just heeding the red flags. Everyone one I have read and talked to that has a Facebook acct. says how "time addicting" it is. So for me, I have to "just say no!"
So, I have to be old school and have ya email or text or actually even, the caveman way -call me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick!
Well, its been a while since I've posted. Some reasons were just life but for the main reason, it was intentional. You see, I had to get really honest and admit how much I was struggling. I had gotten really depressed. I was in a bad place and really sad. I had to realize that I had lost myself somewhere along the way and that I had just shut down.
I had not picked up my bible in months. I still prayed, but lofty prayers. Nothing deep. I was avoiding the honesty of the situation. I didn't want to look at it or admit it. I was sick.
The posts that I was putting up were just regurgitated words and faith. There was nothing authentic coming out of me. That's how I felt in my life. I just felt like an empty shell of a person. I finally broke down, figuratively and literally, and had to admit just how much I was hurting. How much I was hurting myself, and my family, and most importantly my God. I was just shutting.
I had put up so many walls of protection when we moved to soften the blow, that I imprisoned myself. I tend to do that. That's my pattern. If I sense a hurt coming on, up go the walls. I am usually better at identifying it, (since doing Breaking Free), that I can stop and see His face and hear the truth and move forward. But, this time I let if consume me.
It was so hard to watch my kids struggle and miss everything and everyone. Caden especially. It was breaking my heart. Trey and I were both hurting from being separated and we were hurting each other.
SO, one day after many long hurtful days, I said enough. I heard,"Enough." I listened.
I let go of the pain, refocused, cried, lifted my eyes and centered my thoughts back on what I know to be true.
We are here for His purpose(s). Not ours. It has never been about that, even though I tried to make it that.
Things have been better for the past week or so. It has been nice. To feel like me, to hear my kids laughter, to notice the moments and the blessings again.
God is building something amazing through all of this.
Trey apologized for moving us here one day. I told him not to apologize. That this move is still right for us and always has been, it's just the growing through it that is hard. I have never regretted moving here or wanted to go back. It's just the day to day changes and settling in that are hard. I know we are going to look back in 5 years and say,"Wow! What an amazing time that was for our family."
I have never doubted we did the right thing. And I have never doubted that we are right where God wants us and told us to be. I have never doubted our obedience coming here.
I only doubted myself. That was the lie I was hearing.
"You are never more open to an attack, than when God is at work and has moved you from your home, your safe place and taken you into the wilderness, to take you somewhere else He wants you to go."
Beth Moore said that last week in my bible study. She was talking about King Xerxes and Haman wanting to destroy the Jews. She was going back through the lineage of Haman and how his people had gone after the Jews and destroyed the weak (women, children and elderly) That they waited until they were tired, hungry, weak, and straggling behind. They could no longer fight and then he enemy attacked.
That's how I have felt. So behind and attacked. But, no longer.
I am His. He is mine. And I am free. My protector, provider Jehovah-jireh!
I had not picked up my bible in months. I still prayed, but lofty prayers. Nothing deep. I was avoiding the honesty of the situation. I didn't want to look at it or admit it. I was sick.
The posts that I was putting up were just regurgitated words and faith. There was nothing authentic coming out of me. That's how I felt in my life. I just felt like an empty shell of a person. I finally broke down, figuratively and literally, and had to admit just how much I was hurting. How much I was hurting myself, and my family, and most importantly my God. I was just shutting.
I had put up so many walls of protection when we moved to soften the blow, that I imprisoned myself. I tend to do that. That's my pattern. If I sense a hurt coming on, up go the walls. I am usually better at identifying it, (since doing Breaking Free), that I can stop and see His face and hear the truth and move forward. But, this time I let if consume me.
It was so hard to watch my kids struggle and miss everything and everyone. Caden especially. It was breaking my heart. Trey and I were both hurting from being separated and we were hurting each other.
SO, one day after many long hurtful days, I said enough. I heard,"Enough." I listened.
I let go of the pain, refocused, cried, lifted my eyes and centered my thoughts back on what I know to be true.
We are here for His purpose(s). Not ours. It has never been about that, even though I tried to make it that.
Things have been better for the past week or so. It has been nice. To feel like me, to hear my kids laughter, to notice the moments and the blessings again.
God is building something amazing through all of this.
Trey apologized for moving us here one day. I told him not to apologize. That this move is still right for us and always has been, it's just the growing through it that is hard. I have never regretted moving here or wanted to go back. It's just the day to day changes and settling in that are hard. I know we are going to look back in 5 years and say,"Wow! What an amazing time that was for our family."
I have never doubted we did the right thing. And I have never doubted that we are right where God wants us and told us to be. I have never doubted our obedience coming here.
I only doubted myself. That was the lie I was hearing.
"You are never more open to an attack, than when God is at work and has moved you from your home, your safe place and taken you into the wilderness, to take you somewhere else He wants you to go."
Beth Moore said that last week in my bible study. She was talking about King Xerxes and Haman wanting to destroy the Jews. She was going back through the lineage of Haman and how his people had gone after the Jews and destroyed the weak (women, children and elderly) That they waited until they were tired, hungry, weak, and straggling behind. They could no longer fight and then he enemy attacked.
That's how I have felt. So behind and attacked. But, no longer.
I am His. He is mine. And I am free. My protector, provider Jehovah-jireh!
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