Sick!

Well, its been a while since I've posted. Some reasons were just life but for the main reason, it was intentional. You see, I had to get really honest and admit how much I was struggling. I had gotten really depressed. I was in a bad place and really sad. I had to realize that I had lost myself somewhere along the way and that I had just shut down.
I had not picked up my bible in months. I still prayed, but lofty prayers. Nothing deep. I was avoiding the honesty of the situation. I didn't want to look at it or admit it. I was sick.

The posts that I was putting up were just regurgitated words and faith. There was nothing authentic coming out of me. That's how I felt in my life. I just felt like an empty shell of a person. I finally broke down, figuratively and literally, and had to admit just how much I was hurting. How much I was hurting myself, and my family, and most importantly my God. I was just shutting.
I had put up so many walls of protection when we moved to soften the blow, that I imprisoned myself. I tend to do that. That's my pattern. If I sense a hurt coming on, up go the walls. I am usually better at identifying it, (since doing Breaking Free), that I can stop and see His face and hear the truth and move forward. But, this time I let if consume me.
It was so hard to watch my kids struggle and miss everything and everyone. Caden especially. It was breaking my heart. Trey and I were both hurting from being separated and we were hurting each other.
SO, one day after many long hurtful days, I said enough. I heard,"Enough." I listened.
I let go of the pain, refocused, cried, lifted my eyes and centered my thoughts back on what I know to be true.
We are here for His purpose(s). Not ours. It has never been about that, even though I tried to make it that.
Things have been better for the past week or so. It has been nice. To feel like me, to hear my kids laughter, to notice the moments and the blessings again.
God is building something amazing through all of this.
Trey apologized for moving us here one day. I told him not to apologize. That this move is still right for us and always has been, it's just the growing through it that is hard. I have never regretted moving here or wanted to go back. It's just the day to day changes and settling in that are hard. I know we are going to look back in 5 years and say,"Wow! What an amazing time that was for our family."
I have never doubted we did the right thing. And I have never doubted that we are right where God wants us and told us to be. I have never doubted our obedience coming here.
I only doubted myself. That was the lie I was hearing.

"You are never more open to an attack, than when God is at work and has moved you from your home, your safe place and taken you into the wilderness, to take you somewhere else He wants you to go."
Beth Moore said that last week in my bible study. She was talking about King Xerxes and Haman wanting to destroy the Jews. She was going back through the lineage of Haman and how his people had gone after the Jews and destroyed the weak (women, children and elderly) That they waited until they were tired, hungry, weak, and straggling behind. They could no longer fight and then he enemy attacked.
That's how I have felt. So behind and attacked. But, no longer.
I am His. He is mine. And I am free. My protector, provider Jehovah-jireh!