Open Handed....

After a very long week and many many tears...I surrender all.

We (meaning me) had been in such a state of confusion and turmoil.
I had completely fallen under attack and was letting the enemy win. I began to doubt all the truth I knew God had placed on Trey's heart and mine months ago.
So many doors had been closed. We couldn't find a home in Houston. All the showings on our home had stopped, Trey was leaving without us, school was(is) about to start, money was(is ) tight.
The light was being suffocated by the darkness and I was allowing to enter my heart.
My vision seemed to fade to black...I was blind, it seemed. I couldn't see the steps He wanted me to take.
I cried soo much last week. My eyes stayed swollen and red for days. I felt so alone. Like He left.
Why? Why would He leave me here to suffer? Why would He leave me afraid? Why would He leave me wondering where He was...for His Glory...
He didn't leave..He never will...
He just let me get low enough to bring me to desperation and surrender.

I got on my face, and slowly, reluctantly, honestly, opened my hands and let go. I let him have it all. The fingernail marks in my palms reminders of how tight my grip had been.
More tears, cleansing tears, repentant tears, healing tears...

Through it all He was there. Growing me, protecting me, teaching me, tearing out the old, and restoring the new.

So, at the end of the day, after letting go and opening my hands to Him...

We have a strong offer on our house (possibly), the rent house we desperately wanted, the owner is willing to hold it until our house sells!
Amazing Grace.

Even through my disobedience and doubt...forgive me my Lord. I am sorry...so sorry
without me getting it all right.. He prevails...
I just stood in awe, in silence last night. There was nothing left to say, but give reverence where reverence was due.

I would love to stand back and say that I handled this journey with grace, peace, patience, and faith. I haven't . I will not be guilty though or discouraged.
He grew something new in my through this...stronger, calmer, clearer. More....more of Him...

Lord I pray, although the pain feels so great, you continue to grow me...I am learning to enjoy the growing pains more.
My pray continues to be let me live an opened handed life to you. Let me give it all to you daily. Help me to realize when I am holding on and help me to let go...I love you desperately...