What's that?
As of late, my life still remains in a whirlwind. I pured my heart out the other day to my dear friend Angela. She always make me feel better. I told her how I was struggling in many areas and finding that quiet time was one of them. Of course after 2 hours on the phone I felt better and felt understood.
She sent me this link today and it really sums up our conversation. Of course, we were not quite this elegant, and well spoken...but we got to the point as only two good girlfriends could. :)
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2009/07/20/the-year-i-didnt-have-a-quiet-time/
Thanks for always being there for me Angela!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
confirmation
I know we must be in God's will because everywhere I turn today, there was another test...
Actually makes me feel better knowing even though I feel attacked right now, I am so where God wants me to be...
Nice!
Actually makes me feel better knowing even though I feel attacked right now, I am so where God wants me to be...
Nice!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sleepless Night
this is a long one. But I have to write all these thoughts out. Thanks for listening.
SO, I was just casually hanging out on Facebook last night after the kids went down and I was waiting for Trey to get home.
There has been this guy, not sure who he is but I think I went to school with him, posting all these status updates about,"Repent, or burn in eternal hell." and on and on...
So many times I have wanted say something to him. I just felt he was so full of judgement and condemnation. It was really bothering me.
For a few days now, he kept posting this video called "The Fire". I did not watch it. I had no interest. Well, he popped up on my chat last night and asked if I had watched it. Weird. I said no, but I would later, so I did. I was his cousin angrily speaking to Christians about burning in hell and if we sin even though we are Christians that we will loose our salvation. If we say a cuss word, or watch a movie with nudity, or ....(insert list of mistakes and poor choices), that we will burn in hell. It went on for 12 minutes. It was a very angry video. I really was shocked. I just sat in front of the screen in shock. I really couldn't gather my thoughts.
I told him I disagreed with his video and once you have accepted the gift of salvation you can not loose it by making a mistake. If that was his belief what would be the point of salvation anyway?
Someone else chimed in, that you could loose it and that it was in the bible. My head was spinning. I went and grabbed my bible. I could not turn the pages fast enough. I couldn't get my thought patterns together to find the verses I needed. The truth. I facebooked my uncle who is a pastor, and my former pastor. No one got back with me fast enough. I was just scrambling.
In that moment, I realized how naive I can be. I have such a circle of friends who are believers and I take such great comfort in that. I am failing because I am not in my suit of armor(Eph 6:10-17) , ready for battle daily. The battle for biblical truth. I was so unprepared, so caught off guard, so knocked off balance. I knew the truth, but couldn't gather it fast enough.
They say when a plane crashes or other disasters happen and you hear about the "hero stories" that there is a reason those "heroes" react the way they do. There is a chemical in their brain that makes them react quickly, calmly and saves lives because of it. They are extremely focused under pressure. In the Navy Seal program they do test to detect this chemical as part of their testing. They want the best, most efficient, prepared people in the program ready for what ever is presented in front of them.
For the rest of us, they say when you get on a plane, in a car, whatever-whenever the situation might be, to rehearse the scene in your head. If your on a plane, imagine what you would do if the plane was going down. Where are the exits, how do you open the doors, where are your kids, how many rows(count them as you walk down the plane) are you from the exit. Etc ...
Reason- your brain goes into survival mode. If a disaster or accident happens the brain searches for "a file" a memory, a previous experience to reference. Think about a search on the computer. It just goes over and over, circling, searching, searching...well, if you have nothing to reference or recall, no file, your body will not react. Therefore you panic, go into to shock and freeze. You can not move or think of what to do next.
That's where I was. I had not equipped my brain to react to the given situation. I had no file ready to extract. It was not embedded on my internal hard drive. I did not have anything ready to reference. I had not gotten myself ready for that days situation presenting itself.
I was just casually thinking, "oh well, If you believe your a Christian, then you believe what I know is truth. La la la la la la.. " I was not ready. I was so frustrated with myself. I was frozen.
This debate with this man went on for a bit. I found the scriptures I was searching for :
These things I have written to you who believe in the Son of God, in order that you may know that you have eternal life.(1 John 5:13)
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
John 10:29, Jesus tells us "And I give eternal life to them; and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
I posted those verses. He came back with a couple of his own and so did his friend.
This man and his friend were taking a few scriptures held alone and not the whole bible as a complete work.
I felt convicted not continue on with him. Then his final post he asked about Marilyn Manson! Apparently he(manson) claims he was once a Christian. This man asks me, "if someone who is a Christian, denies Christ, and spews blasphemy daily is still saved?' gracious.
At that point, I just told him I could not speak for Marilyn Manson, only for myself. I told him that I could only live by what I knew as truth and what I believed. That I would lay my head down tonight and sleep well for the rest of my life knowing where I was going one day. Then told him I hope he had a good night.
Well, I didn't sleep well. I was so sad for this man. I can not imagine living my life thinking when (not if) I make a mistake, my Lord would turn his back on me and take back what He has given me. Does this man not believe in grace, forgiveness, mercy? I know when(not if!) I make a mistake I can turn to my God and asks forgiveness and He is there. Always. I was so sad, that this man does not have that peace.
The questions just swirled in my head. How does he live like that? How do you witness to someone? Does he tell them,"oh your saved today, but watch out! You might not be tomorrow" what does he tell his children? How does that bring peace? How is that life changing? How is that a promise? The questions just kept coming. The frustation with myself kept coming. Why didn't explain that we all still have free will? Why didn't I explain how many people who are saved loose their way, but God will forgive if they ask? Why didn't i add this and that scripture? Why didn't I explain the relationship the Lord wants to have with us, not punish us?
I prayed so hard for that man. I prayed hard for myself.
I am so grateful for a loving God that Saved me even when I didn't deserve. I will never be good enough. I will never be perfect or get it all right. But, I can rest my head knowing I will be with Him one day and have an eternal life. I hope that each and everyone of you have the peace I have. If not, contact me or someone today and ask to talk. Reach out. It is real and truth!!! It is eternal life.
SO, I was just casually hanging out on Facebook last night after the kids went down and I was waiting for Trey to get home.
There has been this guy, not sure who he is but I think I went to school with him, posting all these status updates about,"Repent, or burn in eternal hell." and on and on...
So many times I have wanted say something to him. I just felt he was so full of judgement and condemnation. It was really bothering me.
For a few days now, he kept posting this video called "The Fire". I did not watch it. I had no interest. Well, he popped up on my chat last night and asked if I had watched it. Weird. I said no, but I would later, so I did. I was his cousin angrily speaking to Christians about burning in hell and if we sin even though we are Christians that we will loose our salvation. If we say a cuss word, or watch a movie with nudity, or ....(insert list of mistakes and poor choices), that we will burn in hell. It went on for 12 minutes. It was a very angry video. I really was shocked. I just sat in front of the screen in shock. I really couldn't gather my thoughts.
I told him I disagreed with his video and once you have accepted the gift of salvation you can not loose it by making a mistake. If that was his belief what would be the point of salvation anyway?
Someone else chimed in, that you could loose it and that it was in the bible. My head was spinning. I went and grabbed my bible. I could not turn the pages fast enough. I couldn't get my thought patterns together to find the verses I needed. The truth. I facebooked my uncle who is a pastor, and my former pastor. No one got back with me fast enough. I was just scrambling.
In that moment, I realized how naive I can be. I have such a circle of friends who are believers and I take such great comfort in that. I am failing because I am not in my suit of armor(Eph 6:10-17) , ready for battle daily. The battle for biblical truth. I was so unprepared, so caught off guard, so knocked off balance. I knew the truth, but couldn't gather it fast enough.
They say when a plane crashes or other disasters happen and you hear about the "hero stories" that there is a reason those "heroes" react the way they do. There is a chemical in their brain that makes them react quickly, calmly and saves lives because of it. They are extremely focused under pressure. In the Navy Seal program they do test to detect this chemical as part of their testing. They want the best, most efficient, prepared people in the program ready for what ever is presented in front of them.
For the rest of us, they say when you get on a plane, in a car, whatever-whenever the situation might be, to rehearse the scene in your head. If your on a plane, imagine what you would do if the plane was going down. Where are the exits, how do you open the doors, where are your kids, how many rows(count them as you walk down the plane) are you from the exit. Etc ...
Reason- your brain goes into survival mode. If a disaster or accident happens the brain searches for "a file" a memory, a previous experience to reference. Think about a search on the computer. It just goes over and over, circling, searching, searching...well, if you have nothing to reference or recall, no file, your body will not react. Therefore you panic, go into to shock and freeze. You can not move or think of what to do next.
That's where I was. I had not equipped my brain to react to the given situation. I had no file ready to extract. It was not embedded on my internal hard drive. I did not have anything ready to reference. I had not gotten myself ready for that days situation presenting itself.
I was just casually thinking, "oh well, If you believe your a Christian, then you believe what I know is truth. La la la la la la.. " I was not ready. I was so frustrated with myself. I was frozen.
This debate with this man went on for a bit. I found the scriptures I was searching for :
These things I have written to you who believe in the Son of God, in order that you may know that you have eternal life.(1 John 5:13)
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
John 10:29, Jesus tells us "And I give eternal life to them; and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
I posted those verses. He came back with a couple of his own and so did his friend.
This man and his friend were taking a few scriptures held alone and not the whole bible as a complete work.
I felt convicted not continue on with him. Then his final post he asked about Marilyn Manson! Apparently he(manson) claims he was once a Christian. This man asks me, "if someone who is a Christian, denies Christ, and spews blasphemy daily is still saved?' gracious.
At that point, I just told him I could not speak for Marilyn Manson, only for myself. I told him that I could only live by what I knew as truth and what I believed. That I would lay my head down tonight and sleep well for the rest of my life knowing where I was going one day. Then told him I hope he had a good night.
Well, I didn't sleep well. I was so sad for this man. I can not imagine living my life thinking when (not if) I make a mistake, my Lord would turn his back on me and take back what He has given me. Does this man not believe in grace, forgiveness, mercy? I know when(not if!) I make a mistake I can turn to my God and asks forgiveness and He is there. Always. I was so sad, that this man does not have that peace.
The questions just swirled in my head. How does he live like that? How do you witness to someone? Does he tell them,"oh your saved today, but watch out! You might not be tomorrow" what does he tell his children? How does that bring peace? How is that life changing? How is that a promise? The questions just kept coming. The frustation with myself kept coming. Why didn't explain that we all still have free will? Why didn't I explain how many people who are saved loose their way, but God will forgive if they ask? Why didn't i add this and that scripture? Why didn't I explain the relationship the Lord wants to have with us, not punish us?
I prayed so hard for that man. I prayed hard for myself.
I am so grateful for a loving God that Saved me even when I didn't deserve. I will never be good enough. I will never be perfect or get it all right. But, I can rest my head knowing I will be with Him one day and have an eternal life. I hope that each and everyone of you have the peace I have. If not, contact me or someone today and ask to talk. Reach out. It is real and truth!!! It is eternal life.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Better Late Than Never...
The past week has been so strange and crazy and amongst the chaos, my sweet Ryan turned 2!
so, late but done, here is her birthday post. (ps) I don't know what's up with my pics. They were right when I edited them...piff.
Ryan,
Sweet, sweet Ryan that's what you are...
You are the most affectionate, loving precious little girl. You love to be loved on and to love on others. Ever since you learned how, you have given the best hugs. You give your love so deeply. You hold nothing back.
You are so dainty and teeny still. You are just a little bit of a girl , but you have such a big attitude. Not big like Kannan, much different. You love to be right in the middle of what ever is going on. You have no fear or understanding that you are only 2 and how little you are. " uh, i dooo!" ( i want to do it) it what is most often heard.
You are just starting to challenge me. That is earlier than you brother and sisters, they waited until 3. I am hoping that doesn't mean it will last longer, but only be over sooner.
I have had a favorite body part with all of you. Logan was her tiny feet, mainly her heel. It was just so little. Caden was his little bald head. It smelled just like Daddy's. Kannan was her rolls. Mainly her wrist. She was so chubby. Yours is your hands. You have the sweetest little girl hands. They are just so small and perfect. I love when I am getting you out of the car and you put your arms around me and give my a big hug. The best part of my day is when I am putting you to bed and I feel you little hands on my back, softly patting me as I sing you your special song goodnight. The soft pat , pat , pat, is the best. I could hold your hand all day long.
You are such a joy and I could go on and on. Your personality is exploding and growing more and more everyday. Your language is really growing. Your talking much better than the other kids did at your age. It's hard to get a word in edge wise around here! You had to learn quick. Your not afraid to stand up for yourself or fight for what you want. You are so sensitive at the same time. If anyone has hurt feelings or is hurt you are the first with a hug and "na-eee" (sorry) Whether you did something or not you apologize. too cute.
I love you little girl.,.
You are a true joy!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
WOW!
You have to see these amazing rooms. I need to go get some paint now...as my head is flooded with ideas!
http://themagicbrushinc.blogspot.com/2009/04/cheap-thrills-decor.html
http://themagicbrushinc.blogspot.com/2009/04/cheap-thrills-decor.html
Monday, April 13, 2009
Curve Balls and Left Field
Well, as you can tell from my blog postings, Houston has not been quite what I had expected. I actually have really hated it and had a horrible attitude.
I really thought that when we pulled in with our enormous moving truck, all the neighbors would be greeting us with warm pies and fresh cookies, so happy to have us in their neighborhood. That the kids would just transition "like butta", smooth and easy, have the best teachers and we would all love the school. I thought I would have all these fantastic friends and just jump right in the game at church. I thought Treys job was going to be better hours, better pay and not so stressful on our home life. I thought all the pieces were just going to fall into place. mmmmm....not so much. None of those things happened.
It has been such a bumpy, and sometimes, dark road. It was not the fan-fair and calm I had anticipated. But, of course, God knew that.
It has been a lot of turmoil for me. I have been miserable and felt my like whole world was turned upside down. I knew moving would be hard, but this was not what I had in mind. After all, we had been prayerful. We had heard. We had been obedient. We had. So, in my mind, it was supposed to go another way than what it has.
I have never doubted following and obeying. I didn't understand some of the things that were happening but I KNEW that. I knew God brought us here, not for forsake us (Hebrews13:5) but to grow us, change us. Man, growing pains hurt.
Well, as you could tell from my lack of posting(not that I posted tons,but still) I felt this need amongst the chaos to get still. First, I shut down for a while. Then, I began to just be calm. The calm after the storm, I think. I had to get centered, stop thinking, and listen. I didn't talk to my friends on the phone. My mom kept emailing asking if I was OK. I just went still. It was nice. Then began to pray,"I just want what You want." "I just want what You want." Those were the only words I could express. It's all that would come. Over and over and over.
Then slowly the whispered answers slowly were placed in my heart. Still I listened and remained silent. I needed to make sure I had clarity and no confusion over what I was feeling and hearing. I talked minimally to Trey about it too. Only Him. Just the two of us. An intimate conversation.
There was such a calm anticipation to what I was hearing. It seemed too much.
How God? How can that possibly be? How will that work? What about? What if? When?
I am. It can through Me. It will work My way. I have that. Only step 1 for now. I have it all. Just wait. All you have to do is take the first step. Trust Me. Believe Me.
SO, drum roll please....................................................................................................................................
I am going to school and I am going to start working. I am going to get my Real Estate License! I start Saturday and I am taking weekend classes. I am really excited about this. To say this is out of left field, and I felt like I was thrown a total curve ball, is an understatement!
I can tell you honestly, I thought He moved me here to home school my kids. I would have bet money on it.
I could never done this had He not cleaned out my heart and gotten all the junk out of the way. I was torn down emotionally, only to cry out and need Him desperately and want His ways above mine. I would take the rain all over again, and again, and again. Jesus bring the rain.
He has put this in front of me and I am going to reach out and touch the scepter He has extended.(for those Esther fans!) I will take the next step in faith, because I can not see how He has all the details( my kids, mainly the little girls, my time, my insecurities, etc, etc,)worked out.
I can not even verbalize the excitement I have right now!!!!!!! I am so thrilled to see what He has planned for me.
I am excited to go back to school. I am excited to have some time to myself at school! I am excited to be in an exciting work environment. I am excited at what the opportunity for another income will do for our family. But that's all the future.
Saturday is my first class. Next step. Step 1.
PLAY BALL!
I really thought that when we pulled in with our enormous moving truck, all the neighbors would be greeting us with warm pies and fresh cookies, so happy to have us in their neighborhood. That the kids would just transition "like butta", smooth and easy, have the best teachers and we would all love the school. I thought I would have all these fantastic friends and just jump right in the game at church. I thought Treys job was going to be better hours, better pay and not so stressful on our home life. I thought all the pieces were just going to fall into place. mmmmm....not so much. None of those things happened.
It has been such a bumpy, and sometimes, dark road. It was not the fan-fair and calm I had anticipated. But, of course, God knew that.
It has been a lot of turmoil for me. I have been miserable and felt my like whole world was turned upside down. I knew moving would be hard, but this was not what I had in mind. After all, we had been prayerful. We had heard. We had been obedient. We had. So, in my mind, it was supposed to go another way than what it has.
I have never doubted following and obeying. I didn't understand some of the things that were happening but I KNEW that. I knew God brought us here, not for forsake us (Hebrews13:5) but to grow us, change us. Man, growing pains hurt.
Well, as you could tell from my lack of posting(not that I posted tons,but still) I felt this need amongst the chaos to get still. First, I shut down for a while. Then, I began to just be calm. The calm after the storm, I think. I had to get centered, stop thinking, and listen. I didn't talk to my friends on the phone. My mom kept emailing asking if I was OK. I just went still. It was nice. Then began to pray,"I just want what You want." "I just want what You want." Those were the only words I could express. It's all that would come. Over and over and over.
Then slowly the whispered answers slowly were placed in my heart. Still I listened and remained silent. I needed to make sure I had clarity and no confusion over what I was feeling and hearing. I talked minimally to Trey about it too. Only Him. Just the two of us. An intimate conversation.
There was such a calm anticipation to what I was hearing. It seemed too much.
How God? How can that possibly be? How will that work? What about? What if? When?
I am. It can through Me. It will work My way. I have that. Only step 1 for now. I have it all. Just wait. All you have to do is take the first step. Trust Me. Believe Me.
SO, drum roll please....................................................................................................................................
I am going to school and I am going to start working. I am going to get my Real Estate License! I start Saturday and I am taking weekend classes. I am really excited about this. To say this is out of left field, and I felt like I was thrown a total curve ball, is an understatement!
I can tell you honestly, I thought He moved me here to home school my kids. I would have bet money on it.
I could never done this had He not cleaned out my heart and gotten all the junk out of the way. I was torn down emotionally, only to cry out and need Him desperately and want His ways above mine. I would take the rain all over again, and again, and again. Jesus bring the rain.
He has put this in front of me and I am going to reach out and touch the scepter He has extended.(for those Esther fans!) I will take the next step in faith, because I can not see how He has all the details( my kids, mainly the little girls, my time, my insecurities, etc, etc,)worked out.
I can not even verbalize the excitement I have right now!!!!!!! I am so thrilled to see what He has planned for me.
I am excited to go back to school. I am excited to have some time to myself at school! I am excited to be in an exciting work environment. I am excited at what the opportunity for another income will do for our family. But that's all the future.
Saturday is my first class. Next step. Step 1.
PLAY BALL!
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